Jokes

Why can’t you trust atoms?

They make up everything.

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday.

All the others are weekdays.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

The same bike tries to run me down every day.

It sounds like a vicious cycle.

Did you hear about the guy who sued over his missing luggage?

He lost his case.

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
"I'll have that ready for you in 10 minutes, sir," said the pharmacist.

To the guy who stole my antidepressants:

I hope you’re happy now.

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive.
When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch
black instructor unzips his fly and says, "If you don't jump you're getting
this baby right up your ass!"
Mick asks, "Did you jump?"
Paddy replies; "A little bit... when it first went in."

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Found this on twitter