Jokes

Why did apple have to declare bankruptcy

Because It went pear shaped

Why did the bike always lose to the car in a race?

Because it was two tired

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.
One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners.
They eat their fill and leave.
The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge £100 for sex.”

The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a £100 note, pays her, and they have sex.

After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £50.

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.

The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis.

He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?"

He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy."

When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis.

He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy.

The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.'"

Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

Contest in a girl'school: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"