Jokes

A pirate walks into the doctor’s office:

Pirate: Doc, you got to help, me ship’s steering wheel got stuck to me crotch.

Doctor: So, what’s the problem?

Pirate: Doc… it’s driving me nuts!

Why is sex like maths?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft?

Chewing gum

How is sex like air?

It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

What comes after 69?

Mouthwash.

If I was addicted to masturbation and then I became addicted to sex, would it be right to say my addiction got out of hand?

My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

I said, “Usually an overdose, son.”

What did one plate say to the other?

Lunch is on me.