Jokes

If your wife or girlfriends ever asks, "If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" never give two names.

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's breasts best," the first guy says. The second says, "I like to look at a woman's butt." He asks the third guy, "What about you?" "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Tell them you can't cum

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means?

It’s not the end of the world.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow

I’m terrified of lifts…

… so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.