Jokes

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk.

As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.

Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.

The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?”

Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’

Hosting an orgy tonight

I hope people come..

Someone broke into my house last night and stole all the lamps

I couldn’t be more delighted...

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to actually change the bulb, the other to hold the penis...chair..I meant chair!

A vegan came up to me and said ‘People who sell meat are disgusting’

I replied ‘People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer’

.......I’ll get my coat!

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me.

He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.

I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!

How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,

‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?