Private convos [PM/DM] experiences & advice

I'm not going to lie it's an interesting dynamic and which if I had the time I'd like to breakdown more than what I'm going to but I'll say this, from reading your posts in the Elle thread and this one more so that well basically you should stop looking for sympathy and stop talking about yourself so much.

I'm not being harsh but if you go back and read the post you made in the Elle thread every single time you had any kind of point to put across you always end it with something to do with yourself, literally every time.

Quote:I didn't think of myself as her "friend" and there were many times where I backed off because I could see that she was upset and I wanted to give her some space, even if that meant that I felt I was letting her down.

Quote: I remember her TVX thread the time she did her first night show - people seemed more concerned whether I was missing it or not!

Quote:Thing is, I had written a pretty good 'thank you' in the previous DM and I wasn't about to say it AGAIN to someone who didn't thank me, let alone acknowledge me when we'd stopped writing a few months earlier. I decided to close my twitter account.

And on and on it goes.

If anything it seems like you had deep feelings for her and are trying to convince yourself otherwise.

Just my two cents.

Until this thread, I would have thought that presenters developing this personal a relationship with fans was a rare (if not unique) occurrence. But judging from the posts above, it evidently happens more often than I thought.

Just a word of caution then guys. I am not by any means suggesting that anyone did anything wrong. I obviously don't know the details of what has been shared with anyone. But I don't know that I would feel comfortable allowing a girl to "unburden" herself in that way. At best, it suggests a degree of naïvity on her part.

I am reminded of the time that this issue flared up in Yasmine James' thread. She tweeted some particularly personal details and was then horrified when they were discussed on the forum. It was a very different situation, but it was still a potent reminder of how young, inexperienced and unworldly these girls are. And, let's be honest, if they are plying their trade on a babeshow, then they probably weren't the brightest bulb or the most emotionaly stable to begin with. Add to that the slightly surreal context that they inhabit -- full of unscrupulous bosses and virulent critics on one side and sycophantic fanboys on the other -- and it all makes for an especially fragile and vulnerable human being.

If a relationship naturally runs its course from pleasantries, through banter and friendship, to intimacy -- that's one thing. But if she started sharing hugely personal details very early on, I'd like to think that -- in a similar situation -- I would steer her to her 'genuine' friends and family and then sever communications as quickly as I could. However relevant and relatable my own personal experience, I don't think I'd feel comfortable being the 'wise counsel' to a woman that I got to know under such strange circumstances.

My only real comment about that is that your right.
But easier said than done. It's incredibly flattering to have a hot girl confide in you.
After all we go out of our way to call these girls at great expense.
When a girl actually wants to communicate gratis it's a little thrill. And it does make you feel a little special

(06-07-2015 03:36 )cj666 Wrote:  ...you should stop looking for sympathy and stop talking about yourself so much. I'm not being harsh but if you go back and read the post you made in the Elle thread every single time you had any kind of point to put across you always end it with something to do with yourself, literally every time.

"I'm not being harsh but..." must rate up there with when politicians use the expression "with all due respect...", usually followed by a statement that shows no respect at all.

What you have picked up on there is my own reluctance to 'bad-mouth' Elle because, despite her flaws, I still like and respect her. Or at least the memory of the person I used to talk to. So anytime I say something about her, my culpability kicks in and I usually finish the sentence off with a statement about myself - like I'm attempting to deflect attention away from anything I say about her. I know in these modern times that no one should embarrassed about 'banging their own drum' but I am, presumably because I don't feel particularly modern [being disabled and not having spoken a word for nearly two months.] I don't ask anyone for sympathy, just like I didn't from her. I just want people who have experienced this to have somewhere where they can discuss it with people with similar experiences. Isn't that the whole point of a discussion forum?

And, just so you know, I meant that with the greatest of respect to you.

I'm sure it probably comes across that I'm accusing Elle of treating me badly but my main issue with her is one of confusion. One of the first things that I wrote to her was that she should tell me if she wanted to stop writing to me, because there is nothing worse from a 'fan' point of view than being unsure what the other person wants. You don't want to be seen to be ignoring them but you also don't want to become a pest. I even asked her flat out if she wanted to stop writing and she said she didn't know. It was almost as if it wasn't worth her effort to tell me because it was beneath her, which I assume wasn't the case when she needed someone to talk to about her relationship problems.

^The point is if you think of yourself as a good and selfless person you don't look for anything in return when talking to someone else about their personal problems that's not how it works.

Being disabled has nothing to do with the either the topic or what I said, I assume you don't like people treating you different because you're disabled so you shouldn't use it in such a way that makes it look like people are attacking you.

I think you feel the way you do mate because of the way the messages were heading.
It's one thing to share small talk and banter, but when the nature of content becomes detailed and personal this instantly takes the relationship to a whole new level of trust and a bond is formed.

Perhaps she was reaching out in pure desperation and possibly thought better of disclosing so much information at a more peaceful time in her life?

You could feel used I suppose, but it sounds to me like you've helped her through a dark period in her life.
There's some comfort for you to take from that.

Besides, I doubt if a parting "thank you" would really make you feel any better today, had that happened.

(07-07-2015 00:59 )cj666 Wrote:  Point is if you think of yourself as a good and selfless person you don't look for anything in return when talking to someone else about their personal problems that's not how it works.

So by your reckoning, I was there for Elle many hundreds of times [because she asked me to be] when she felt at her worst and yet I couldn't expect one single thing from her. That's not friendship, that's bullying. You seem to make an awful lot of assumptions for someone who only knows what went on between me and her from what I have mentioned in a few posts.

(07-07-2015 00:59 )cj666 Wrote:  Being disabled has nothing to do with the either the topic or what I said, I assume you don't like people treating you different because you're disabled.

My disability is redundant in this thread. I only mentioned it because, with reference to being 'networked' and socially minded, I feel less than - which was within context.

These threads are popping up a lot lately; people being duped into thinking they are some how special, they never learn.

Did you deep down think you was going to get a courting?

What do they say, never fall for a lady of the night.

Don't think falling for her was the issue.
Called Elle once many moons ago and couldn't get much sense from her to be honest. Started talking about fairies would you believe Hung up.
Having re read the OP and other thread I think I can easily say what the problem is or was. We've all met self obsessed people and this seems like one of those cases.
Elle, like a lot of people and I imagine more so the sort of girl who lives of her looks, simply thought the whole point of the messaging was to make her feel better.
As soon as you wanted to vent... "hey what's going on? I don't need this"
You maybe feel hurt but it probably is time to chalk it up as an experience to learn from and move on.

(07-07-2015 01:57 )Forum Style Wrote:  So by your reckoning, I was there for Elle many hundreds of times [because she asked me to be] when she felt at her worst and yet I couldn't expect one single thing from her. That's not friendship, that's bullying.

I think that what people are picking up on, Forum Style, however blunt the expression, is that you have so far been reluctant to acknowledge what Raider007 so candidly and astutely observed:

(06-07-2015 17:40 )Raider007 Wrote:  It's incredibly flattering to have a hot girl confide in you ... When a girl actually wants to communicate gratis it's a little thrill. And it does make you feel a little special

Which is not to say that it wasn't a bit unfair of her to use you as a shoulder to cry on and then fail to reciprocate. But as Raider also observed, some people are just self-obsessed that way. And not just on the babeshows!

Still, I don't think it is right to suggest that you got nothing from that relationship, even as one-sided as it seemed. All we have to go on is the limited information that you provide in a few short posts -- so we HAVE to fill in the blanks with suppositions and assumptions that you are free to correct. But it does seem to me that there was a bit of emotional tourism going on. Vacationing in the life of another because it makes us feel good to be needed. That isn't a criticism -- we ALL do it to some extent.

The first step in moving on may thus be to simply admit to yourself that you pursued this relationship -- at least in part -- because of the ego trip it sent you on to have a "famous" girl single you out and talk to you as if to a friend. Otherwise the "injustice" of it all really will seem extreme.