First Dude show on Freeview

FIRST ‘DUDE SHOW’ TO HIT FREEVIEW NEXT SPRING?…

Can’t reveal the source of this ad, but by April, freeview could be a very different place. Or did I dream this? (God, I do hope so!)…

“Next spring I will be launching a ‘dude show’, featuring cool guys who are interested in being paid to have phone sex, mainly with women. The show will be broadcast only on freeview and is set to hit screens on 1st April 2011. I have obtained a Nicaraguan licence, which means we can do what the bloody hell we like, and the best Ofcom can do is refer us to an obscure media body in Jersey, who have just two chairs, a £99 netbook, and a bin. To say that they don’t give two shits would be a dramatic understatement.

I am currently seeking dudes to work the show. As a ‘dude show’ operative, you would need to: a) talk hot sex with menopausal women who’ve been advised by the psychic channel that their lives are irretrievably fucked, b) sweat on demand, c) snog blokes and lick their nipples on request, and d) have a boob job, obviously.

The show will be called Dude Stable until 2am, afterwhich it becomes Stud Stable until 03.30. From 03.30 to 5am, the final portion of the show will be called Fuck Studs.

Quality Control… We will test our dudes thoroughly and grade their orgasms accordingly. There are five viable levels. Grade A) Real, Grade B) Poor, Grade C) Shit, Grade D) Patronising, and Grade E) Highly sarcastic. All of these five levels are acceptable. Ungraded orgasms are unacceptable. These include: ‘can’t be arsed’, ‘sounds more like someone with chronic constipation’, ‘pissed’, ‘barely awake’, ‘simultaneously talking about Fabio Capello with someone off camera’, and ‘bored witless’.

SMS activity… I can’t afford a moderator so I shall be inviting the viewers and the regulators to moderate the show themselves, by text. There will be two text boxes on your monitor. The first will be for the viewers’ texts. This will contain comments like: “Show your arse”, “Go to Hell”, or “Where’s the shopping channel gone?” The second box will contain instant messages from Ofcom, BCAP and the ASA. In here you will see comments like: “Your balls are out!” or “I said your balls are out!!!”, or “How many more times??!!! Your balls are out!!!!!!” You can ignore the second box unless the username says ‘President of Nicaragua’. He will be sent a WAP link, but I do not expect him to show much interest and I feel he will probably have better things to do than sit in front of a TV waiting for the tip of some bloke’s wanger to slip out of his mankini.

Backstage ops… I also seek a number of camera operators, sound technicians and a set builder. Sound technicians must never, ever have been trained in anything remotely related to sound engineering, ever. Everything our sex-line operatives ever say on a microphone must either be impossibly quiet, cone-blowingly loud, or completely inaudible – preferably the latter. Camera operators should spend more time filming the walls and ceiling than the actual acts, and absolutely must never knowingly film anything the viewer might actually want to see. The set builder should be familiar with the dogging circuit and be able to source dogging-themed props, such as caravans on bricks, and cars which shouldn’t be on the road.

You may be able to obtain a grant for your boob job.”

(17-09-2010 18:06 )Light Entertainment Wrote:  FIRST ‘DUDE SHOW’ TO HIT FREEVIEW NEXT SPRING?… ....

Suddenly Sky 3 sounds a whole lot better.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

I laffed

Unfortunately I'm booked solid then. And can people stop giving my number out, there's only so many times a day a dude can say hes not available.

Best. SOH. Everrrr.

Missing key events. Talking bollocks. Making stuff up.
~~~SAVE THE KRILL!~~~

(18-09-2010 00:37 )eccles Wrote:  Unfortunately I'm booked solid then. And can people stop giving my number out, there's only so many times a day a dude can say hes not available.

My entrepreneurial acquaintance has taken note of your post, and replies as follows…

“I’ll take that as a yes then. Here are your terms of employment:

The eavesdropper will be your core customer and you should remember this at all times. It will cost viewers nearly 9p per minute to eavesdrop on your conversations and you will personally refund all customers if you’re no bloody good. You will apologise for your performance on air, every night, using a megaphone and all four of our microphones simultaneously, whatever your personal view on how things have gone. Anyone over the age of 18 is eligible to call, so your wife and parents can eavesdrop you, and probably will.

If you wish to smoke or are asked to smoke by a caller, you will exit the building. There is no pavement so you will perform in the road. A high visibility thermal mankini will be hired to you for this purpose. If you are struck by traffic you will record each strike in the accident book upon return to the studio. Between the hours of 22.00 and 03.00, a milk float will be stabled outside the studio. You have permission to perform on the roof of the vehicle when it is available.

If the tip of your wanger should slip out of your mankini for a split second, around 3,500 MILFs will screencap you and post the incident online. There will be approximately 700 pages of forum discussion for each tip-slip you do, resulting in an ongoing and blazing row over whether or not you did it on purpose.

You will also be required on demand to perform the occasional Domination 241. On a ‘babe show’, this is a carefully-crafted piece of theatre in which two professionals play out a dark and sinister battle of complex emotions, with a sexual undercurrent, and of course the odd growl of: “I’ll fuck you up, you twisted fuck!”. You should not, however, waste time trying to comprehend or absorb the cerebral complexities of the female system. On a ‘dude show’, it is simply a fight.

Your employer accepts no liability whatsoever if, in the course of your work, you should be punched, kicked, hit with a table, arrested, sectioned, imprisoned, divorced, or knocked off the top of a milk float by a low bridge.

I await your signature."

Sounds good. Will I be required to oil up my nipples?

(18-09-2010 18:04 )eccles Wrote:  Sounds good. Will I be required to oil up my nipples?

He's just throwing up at the moment. He says he'll get back to you.

Should let you know that BangBoys has contacted me. They are offering a free ball-plumping op, where they use liposuction to transfer fat from my man-boobs, and an albert. All I have to do is sign a 24 month contract including webcam from a coffee-shop set. What does anyone think, which sounds best?